“Cap’n Bilgewater! Cap’n Bilgewater! There be a frigate from The Queen’s Navy off’n our starboard bow, it looks like they be fixin’ to board!” “Aarrghhh Matey, if’n it’s a fight they’re lookin’ for, they come to the right place! Bring me me red shoes.” “Cap’n! Cap’n! They be anuther frigate off’n our port side, closin’ fast!” “Yar! Bring me me red shirt, Matey.” “Two more spotted Cap’n, fore and aft!” “Bring me me red pants Matey!” “Sar, it looks like we be surrounded by the whole Queen’s Navy!” “Aye Mate, belay that last order. Better fetch me brown pants I instead…..”
Announcer: “Stay tuned for another exciting episode of Pirates Aplenty!”
It was well past his bedtime, but there was no way Jake would have missed the end of the movie. He loved pirate movies. With a huge yawn, he turned off the light, closed his eyes, and drifted off to sleep…..
The afternoon sun beat down on the little snake perched high in the crow’s nest of The Incontinence, a swift if somewhat leaky pirate ship feared far and wide by all vessels that plied the seas, with the possible exception of the Queen’s Enforcers. This was Jake’s first voyage on the scourge of the waters. Not being a fighter (swordplay was off the table for the little snake) he was stationed in the crow’s nest, as a lookout. But The Incontinence was not fighting today, they had already claimed their booty and were headed for shore to bury it.
Jake, along with everyone else on board, had yet to view the contents of the huge locked chest, but the yellow gleam that escaped from beneath the lid had failed to evade his notice. How he ached to run his fingers through the treasure that lay within, and would do just that if only he had fingers. Or arms. He was a snake for goodness sake!
The battle with the merchant vessel had been swift and merciless, the pirates only taking the time to hoist the treasure chest over to The Incontinence before hurrying away. Flee now, party later, that’s what Jake heard Cap’n Dipenz say to his First Mate Stumpy, and fleeing was exactly what they were doing.
“Land Ho!” shouted Jake, “Three points off the starboard bow!”
“Bring ‘er around Stumpy” said Cap’n Dipenz, in his gravelly voice.
“Stow the jabber! Hoist the main sail! Tie those sheets off! Jab the jib! Shiver me timbers! Full speed ahead!” Cap’n Dipenz certainly knew how to motivate his crew.
And before you could say Durn Tootin’, the pirate ship Incontinence was dropping anchor in a small lagoon on a tree covered deserted island. Dying to see what treasure the chest held, Jake found a seat aboard the dory that was transporting the captain, the crew, and most importantly, the ill-gotten booty to shore.
“Here we are boys, haul that chest over to yonder tree. Dig a hole, and dig it deep, the treasure there will surely keep.” And that’s exactly what they did. But before burying the chest, the captain, the crew, and the little snake too, gathered around to cast their eyes upon their filched riches. Stumpy, pulling off his carbon composite leg, smashed it against the lock, shattering it, causing it to fall away in pieces. Throwing back the lid, the pirates, with in-drawn breaths and avarice in their eyes, gasped in delight as they beheld the priceless, yellow treasure. “Lemons! We got lemons, boys!” said the captain, barely able to contain his excitement. “Lemonade fer all tonight! And mebbe, if there be a lime or two, a Margarita as well!” And with that, the whole crew except Jake jumped for joy, while Stumpy annoyingly danced in circles.
Jake awoke from his dream to warm sunlight through the window, and a gentle shaking by Brother BudPie, his attractive, charming, confident but humble roomie.
“Wakey wakey little Jakey, come and get your hot pancakey.”
“What kind of pancakes are we having, Brother BudPie?”
“Why, lemon of course” said Brother BudPie with a twinkle in his eye. Yarrr…”
Just Plain Bud 